Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A note from me...

I realize it's been a while since I posted and I'm sorry about that.  It's been a busy summer for me as it is for many of us. I recently had an amazing but insanely emotional visit with my cousin and am trying to bend my brains around all the thoughts swimming in my head, not to mention getting a handle on the feelings in my soul.

Discovery is truly an enlightening experience.  Like the breaking of a new dawn it can literally shatter ones illusions and when those illusions start to fracture you can be left feeling battered and bruised in your heart and mind. This is what happened to me and I didn't understand that until I was on my way home from my visit.

Some have read my piece about my cousins and me... my cousin died in an auto accident and we had been very close... I don't know why I reached out to my younger cousin (his bro) but I did and it was good, really good.  Only the higher powers that be know why we are placed on certain paths in life.  I've lost a couple  very important people in my world to tragic deaths and it sucks.  It really fucking sucks! 

Anyway, my visit with my cousin was so awesome - yet (and yes, I am a very passionate person and feel things deeply by nature but come on I was over the top here) I was slammed so hard by grief that I spent a lot of time bawling like a big baby.  I'm like, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?? What I didn't know then but realize now is that I didn't allow myself to truly accept Mike's death... I couldn't, I didn't know how to let him go. 

I still don't know how to let him go... I have been a wreck and am just trying to handle it... he was a great guy who was just always there for me. Even though the last few years we had lost touch I never thought for a moment I wouldn't hear him say, "Love you, girl." or have him hug me so tight just when I needed it.  He's gone and I don't want to say good bye, I just don't know how.

So, hang tight y'all while I figure it out... I'm hoping to spend some time alone reflecting on it and journaling my thoughts... maybe Mike will send me a creative vibe for my thoughts. He was right at my wedding when everything was so "ugh" I was desperately bummed... his comment to me as he yanked me out of the ladies room stall was... "Girl, it will be ok, just drink!" Gotta love him... will forever...

Thanks for reading and listening as always... I love your comments and your emails... thanks for following me as I traipse through life.

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